Q: Can and how to discipline my kid's friends when their parents are not there?

The crux of the matter is not really whether you can discipline someone's child but rather what situations would warrant you to step in to ‘discipline’ a child. Obvious situations where you would need to step in are those where the child undertake activities that could harm or potentially cause physical harm to him/herself or your child. E.g. Fighting, playing with dangerous objects, bullying another child etc. Even verbal bullying such as calling of names, taunting etc might be cause to interfere firmly. In such cases, you could stop the activity and address the child firmly (but not harshly) that in your household, their behaviour for example. pushing/ beating, name calling etc is not allowed if they want to continue to play together.

However grey areas would occur where the child’s behaviour does not impact others significantly but might go against guidelines that you set for your child. For example, no playing with digital devices, to put away toys neatly, not to shout at their top of the voices etc. On one hand I respect the difference in parenting styles, on the other hand if I allow the child to do as he wishes, this would appear inconsistent to my child.

One way to deal with this would be to focus on reinforcing positive behaviour rather than viewing this as ‘disciplining’ the child. E.g. If he plays and leaves the toys lying around, you can suggest that all of you ( including your child) help keep the toys. If he runs about and shouts loudly in the house, you can remind him that when playing we need to keep our voices down so as not to disturb the neighbours. Also by addressing as ‘we’ i.e. inclusive of all present, it would be clear that this is not targeted at the child but rather across the board. Even if the child does not change his behaviour, your child would see that you are applying the rules consistently.