Q: How to deal with a kid who seems stubborn and strong-willed?

By nature most children are stubborn and strong-willed. A human is born as ego-centric, focusing only on their own needs as a survival tactic. Children do not simply open their eyes one day and realize that the world is a big place and the other people in it have their own wants and needs and feelings. This comes with age and development.

That being said, a stubborn child can be difficult to deal with and you are certainly not expected to give in to their strong-will. As a parent, there is an arsenal of techniques you can use to aid in your child’s development of awareness of others and their flexibility when it comes to accepting something they don’t necessarily want.

Try these tips with your stubborn child:

1. Don’t argue.

Stubborn children want to be heard and may become defiant if you argue against what they are saying. Instead, listen to what they have to say and encourage an open conversation about their point of view. Work with your child to troubleshoot a result that will satisfy both of you. This will help them to see your point of view as well.

2. Give them choices.

When you give your strong-willed kid choices you are giving them the opportunity to control the outcome. Children will often refuse when you offer a direction or expectation but giving them options simplifies the situation and gives them a sense of control. If your child insists upon a choice not presented, simple state, “That is not one of your choices,” and remind them of what the options are.

3. Stay calm.

This is perhaps the hardest thing to do when your stubborn child is refusing to put on his shoes and you have two minutes to get out the door and you’re going to be late and why can’t he just put on the shoes and you begin to feel stressed and anxious and angry and you just want to yell at him to put on his shoes and then you feel like you’re a crazy person. Yelling and getting upset is only going to foster an environment of defiance. Maybe negotiating or speaking reasonably to your child doesn’t work every time but it is ultimately more effective than losing your cool.

4. Reinforce positive behaviour.

You’ve probably heard the saying: “Catch them when they’re good.” Children are innately good but it tends to be their negative behaviours that come to the forefront of your attention and the ones that are easily reacted against. Make it a point to praise your children, especially the stubborn child when he or she is agreeable or compliant. Children seek attention, positive or otherwise, and the more praise you provide the more they will act positively to receive it.

Stubborn and strong-willed children aren’t “bad” - they are simply determined. As a parent, you can help shape and change your child’s behaviour in positive ways.