Q: How to handle defiant kids ? How to talk to kids answering back?

Children tend to be defiant as a means to test boundaries, get attention or express frustration. It can be exhausting dealing with a toddler, child or teenager who is constantly challenge your every request but it is important to understand that in most cases this behaviour is a typical part of their development (except in extreme cases which I will mention below).

Try these strategies for getting through to your defiant child:

• Set clear and consistent rules. When all is calm in your household, sit down and lay out the rules of proper behaviour and the consequences or rewards as they apply. Trying to establish boundaries during a tantrum or argument is a waste of time – have an open discussion with your child in a calm and quiet moment to express what is expected of them.

• Pick your battles. Arguing over what shoes your toddler should wear to daycare is probably not worth setting a negative tone for the day. Trust me, I’ve allowed my child to leave the house in pajamas and rain boots because battling with her was not worth it. Just imagine how the situation may affect you and your child later that day, tomorrow, next week or even next year. Is it a big deal? No? Move on.

• Stay calm and be patient, especially if your child is talking back. Allowing yourself to be pulled into an argument will only make the situation worse. Instead, use a neutral tone to repeat your request and reestablish the consequences of the negative behaviour and the rewards for good behaviour. Take a moment if you need to walk away and take a deep breath.

• Praise the positive every chance you get – make sure you are bringing attention to your child’s desirable behaviours. For example, if I tell my three year old she has to wear pants and she runs to her room to get a pair, I’m going to tell her that I love that she listened to me and made a good choice. Reinforcing good behaviours will increase those behaviours.

• Talk to your child after the episode is over. Again, wait until the moment is calm and quiet. Explain to your children how their behaviour was unacceptable and how it made you feel. Help your child come up with more appropriate ways to handle these situations.

If you find your child constantly and unnecessarily defiant, speak to your doctor about the possibility of Oppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD), a disorder that is characterized by a pattern of irritability, defiant behaviour or vindictiveness.